DISCIPLINE: It's okay Dad. You're doing the right thing.

Oh man! 

Parenting is the best. It really is. There is nothing like it. It's the most rewarding thing in the world. There is no way to understand a parents love until you become one. I love my kids more than life itself.

Sound familiar?

If you are a parent you've probably said all of these things and you've probably said them multiple times at some point or another along your parenting journey. You probably also meant them too because they are all true statements.

However, parenting is not only the most rewarding thing in the world. It's also somehow simultaneously the most frustrating thing in the world too. I'm not breaking any news. I'm sure this also sounds familiar. In parenting circles we typically replace the word "frustrating" with the word "challenging" because we don't like to admit that the children we spend most of our time trying to convince others are angels, are actually not. They are nowhere close. I guess challenging is a much more positive word and it makes us parents, especially those of young children, feel like we haven't been defeated...yet. Truth is, they are VERY frustrating and its okay to admit that.

Why? Because once you've spent enough time around a two year old you come to the realization that it's a lot like being in a relationship with a tiny bipolar tyrant midget who doesn't speak English very well and makes way too many demands for someone who has such a major deficiency in the tenure department.

The good news is that we, as parents, hold the power to turn these tiny tyrants into human beings who resemble something a whole lot closer to angels than belligerent drunks with an attitude problem. That's where DISCIPLINE comes in. Ah, yes, it is such a necessary evil. There is nothing I look forward to LESS than disciplining my boys. It's simply in my nature to be loving and fun and nurturing and I don't feel like any of those things when I'm sending my boys to time out or God forbid, giving them a spanking. However, I also understand that implementing and adhering to a sturdy set of rules teaches a child his boundaries and if followed through on, one day turns him into an accountable young man.

The above picture is what we're trying to prevent down the road. I don't think they'd look near as happy in real jail.

We are a time out family. Nine times out of ten time out is an effective way to discipline both of our boys (ages 2 and 4). Taking away a privilege is another effective tool and a spanking is certainly not out of the question but it is used as a last resort and rarely do we visit that resort. (Hmmm, speaking of resorts, visiting a "resort" sounds nice right about now.) 

Anyway, consistently disciplining your children is tough. Resisting the temptation of letting a threat become empty may seem mean and unnecessary at the time, but it's actually the best thing you can do for your child.  I always thought the whole, "This is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you" thing was a bunch of hippy dippy bologna but it turns out there's a whole lot of truth to it. We all just  want to see our kids be happy and the last thing we want is to be the cause of unhappiness. Unfortunately, when we follow through on our disciplinary threats, our children associate that unhappiness directly with us. Who knew it was this tough to be on the other end of the discipline?

Like any difficult part of life a little encouragement  goes a long way. My wife and I do a great job of communicating our feelings to one another as we discipline our boys and it helps to keep us on the same page and keep us accountable for our actions. We are firm believers in disciplining out of necessity and teaching rather than disciplining out of anger or frustration. Our boys understand that we love them tremendously as we discipline them because we always make sure to communicate that to them but sometimes it's a little more challenging when both of us aren't home.

Tonight my wife was on a girls night and I was home alone with the boys. My two year old, Fletcher, was being especially challenging at the dinner table. Something I'm very used to. Fletcher had a rough go at it for the first six or eight months of his life. You can read about that here. Since then, however, he's been such a perfect addition to the family... except for at the dinner table. If it's not a pop tart, grilled cheese or cereal he usually does not want to eat it. It really just depends on the night. Tonight he was doing his typical "store the food in the cheek like a squirrel and no one will notice I'm not actually swallowing" routine. Needless to say, the stash of "nuts" in his cheek built up and I wasn't in the mood. So I hastily sent him to time out and told him he could come out after he swallowed his bite. We went back and forth for a good thirty minutes and my 4 year old, Cooper, devoured his meal and began to play. 

At this point I began to get discouraged. Doubt started to creep into my mind. Was I being too hard on him? Should I just give in and let him eat something else? Is he just exhausted? I really wanted it to be a fun night and this was the furthest thing from fun. What should I do? I didn't have my partner in crime, my wife, there to ask for advice. Just then I heard the sweet voice of my innocent little four year old from a few feet behind me

"It's okay Dad. You're doing the right thing."

What?!?!

Did he really just say that?!

Yes he did.

Is he infinitely wise beyond his years?!

I don't know if he said it because he thought that's what mom would have said if she was here or if it's something he's seen on a movie, or if he was just really enjoying watching his little brother get sent to time out, but whatever it was, it really helped. It helped me remember that I was fighting the good fight and that this would pay off in the long run as long as I was coming from a place of love.

I just replied to him, "Thanks buddy." and he said, "You're following the instructions."

At that point I began to wonder if his mother had left a set of instructions that I wasn't aware of.

Probably.

Oh well.

I just gave him a big hug and carried on, feeling encouraged, and knowing that I was doing the right thing.

Everybody Loves Byron: Death in the Facebook Era

Disclaimer: There are so many people more qualified than me to write this post but I just felt the need to take advantage of the forum that I have... out of respect for a friend... and to bring light to some pretty amazing observations I made in the days following his passing. Much Love...

Grieving is not something that anyone ever wants to do but eventually we all have to do it. There are no instructions for grieving. Unlike many things in life, no one ever really sits you down and teaches you a lesson on how to grieve or mourn the loss of a loved one. As a general rule, I'd say that most people just figure out what works for them as they go, because everyone grieves differently. What works for some may not work for others when facing some of life's most difficult situations.

For some, grieving is a very private matter and they don't want any added attention on them during the process. Others, however, want the world to know just how much they miss the deceased (no matter how close they may or may not have been) and they seem to enjoy the attention. Their grieving can become a very public ordeal, even more so living in the Facebook era. Everyone else falls somewhere in between. I'm not judging people for the way they deal with loss. I'm just pointing out the fact that people are very different. When it comes down to it, whatever helps you feel better... DO IT!  (Unless it's smoking crack. Don't smoke crack under any circumstance!!) Hopefully, we all get some good advice or a shoulder to lean on from a family member or close friend in times like these.

In my 34 year life I've been blessed to be able to say I haven't lost anyone too terribly close to me. However, a few years back I lost a childhood friend from my one red light hometown to a freak accident. His name was Scott and he was a great guy. I was able to see how the viewing, funeral and celebration of life afterwards really brings people together to grieve, grow and come to some kind of closure or acceptance of their loss... a process that seems impossible when the news first surfaces.

It was truly a beautiful thing to see everyone go from devastation and tears of sadness to tears of  happiness and acceptance (considering the situation) as they recollect a life cut short. I was overwhelmed by how much that process really seemed to help, which brings me to the reason for this post.

Three days ago I lost another childhood friend from my small hometown of Keystone Heights, Florida to a car accident. Don't go feeling sorry for ME. That's not what this is about. He has family and much closer friends who need your condolences. His name was Byron Nelson. We called him TANK. We grew up playing baseball together in our elementary years.

We were always on the same team.

Byron was only slightly more handsome than I was. Mostly because I was too busy trying to be cool.

 We both always used the same bat to get us out of a slump. We called her "Old Faithful." We didn't always use Old Faithful because, in reality, she was a pretty ordinary bat but she just seemed to get the job done when we needed her most. To this day, when Byron and I would run into each other Old Faithful was always a topic of conversation. Oh, the good old days!!

 We were friends in high school but we weren't super close. As adults, other than Facebook interaction, we only bumped into each other once every couple of years, but I was always met with the biggest sincere smile, a giant hug and great conversation. Byron was a friend for life. Apparently, he was a friend for life with every single human being within a 100 mile radius of our hometown and probably beyond, which is no surprise if you knew Byron. This explains why Facebook EXPLODED when he died. I just have a few things I'd like to say about this explosion and the fallout afterwards.

On the grief spectrum, if there is such a thing, I fall very strongly on the side of a private griever. I share my feelings about a lot of things with the world on social media but I'm not the kind of person who takes to Facebook to write my own personal eulogy to someone when they die. When I heard the news of Byron's accident I was really sad. It was a gut punch. However, I am by no means one of Byron's closest friends and I didn't find it necessary to express my sadness on social media. (I certainly didn't expect to end up writing this blog post.) I thought I would just leave that up to his closest friends and maybe comment here or there on something that struck a chord with me...

AND THEN IT HAPPENED! 

Three days straight of nothing but Facebook statuses about Byron and the impact that his life had on almost everyone. LITERALLY, ALMOST EVERYONE. Everyone but me...it was like I was the only one who decided not to shout out to the TANK and THAT really struck a chord with me. I've never seen anything like it. This guy got more out of life in 35 years than most people could squeeze into 70. He touched so many different people in so many different ways just by being himself... just by being happy and sincere. It was sad but beautiful to watch this play out over the last three days. It was like I was watching the whole viewing, funeral and celebration of life process that I spoke of about Scott's funeral before. It was playing out in front of me on social media and it was big and it was amazing, just like Byron. No matter how sad people were they couldn't help but share stories of good times because that's really all there was to share, even though Byron had been through more than his share of loss in his life. If you are reading this and you are friends with him I know that you know what I'm talking about.

I got to thinking and I realized that if everyone just grieved privately (like I chose to do)... and kept their comments to themselves during these sad moments... and left it up to those closest to the deceased... then the impact of that persons life would never truly be felt the way it should be. I felt the impact of Byron's life over the last three days like nothing I've ever experienced thanks to people who grieve differently than I do. Thank you for that. I definitely learned a lesson from you all. In the world we live in today, like it or not, people communicate on social media about everything and death is certainly fair game. A lot of people criticize Facebook and social media for causing drama and strife but fail to see the good that can come from it in a close knit community like ours in such a difficult time.

I just hope that somehow Byron knows that on the day he died he almost took the internet with him. He almost broke Facebook. I hope he knows that he was grieved and celebrated on social media like the rock star that he is for at least three days straight. I hope he knows that his death made everyone stop and wish they were a little more like him. I hope he knows that when we all think about his smile from this day forward we'll get chills knowing exactly how sincere it was and how treasured it should have been. I hope he knows that his death and all his friends caused me to do some deep thinking and share the effect his light had on me rather than keeping it to myself like I had originally planned.  

You know, it dawned on me earlier today that the one person I still specifically remember seeing and having a meaningful and uplifting conversation with years ago at Scott's funeral was Byron. He is and will always be truly memorable.

Definitely not ordinary, just Old Faithful!

Handyman's Game!

Let me start out by telling you that my wife is amazing. Her name is Daphne. We've been married for 5 and a half years. We have two boys. 3 years and 1 year old respectively. Sure, we butt heads and drive each other crazy from time to time but when it really comes down to it, she's a great teammate. I'm talking about the kind of wife who, when we got married and before we had kids, signed off on a rule that balls being thrown in the house are totally welcome. If she regrets making that deal now it's only slightly but she hasn't voiced it. When she made the deal I did what any self respecting man and sports fan would do. I put up a basketball goal on the living room wall.

My friends and I designed a game called "Man's Game" that consists of three grown men playing close to full contact basketball inside the house and when you make a good physical play you simply exclaim, "MAN'S GAME!" to the other two guys. As you can Imagine, things get broken and people get hurt. Fortunately, not that often and not that bad. Now that we have kids it's a rarity that we play Man's Game because it typically gets a little too loud. However, we do play a lot of horse. You know horse right? If not I'll just say it's a trick shot game and the nature of the game suggests that balls will be bouncing off walls and certain other parts of the house that balls probably shouldn't bounce off of.

Typically, when Daphne and the boys go out of town I like to invite the guys over for a guys night where we eat some wings, watch some sports and play a little indoor man's game and horse. About two years ago I made a new friend named Mike. Mike and I discovered quickly that we have a whole lot in common. As children we played against each other in baseball tournaments and didn't know it. We're both family men with kids. We have similar parenting styles. We both have a son named Cooper. We both love sports. We even recently discovered that we both spent last summer watching seasons 1-6 of Breaking Bad to bridge the gap between college basketball season and football season but even though we talk about pretty much everything we didn't tell each other because we both had the same fear that the other one may have already watched the show a year or two ago like everyone else and might slip up and spoil the ending. I guess that means we both have amazing discipline... and oh yeah, we both enjoy playing man's game and horse at guys night and usually one of us wins. (Mike is basically a taller and more handsome version of me with actual skills with tools and technology.) Check him out at: sunshinedad.wordpress.com

It also didn't take us very long to realize that Mike and I have one major difference. He is super handy and I am super not. There was a time in my life a few years back when I was in major denial that I suffered from some type of "handy-cap" if you will. I have long since grown out of that stage of denial and fully embrace the fact that that is just not me. I was the baby of a family with 4 children. I had 3 older siblings and a Mom and Dad to do things for me. There are so many things I should have learned how to do or someone could have taught me but instead they just did it for me. I'm not blaming anyone. That's just how it went. I'm not handy. To be honest, my wife is probably slightly handier than I am. I can't believe I just typed that. My man card should be revoked but I can't find it...oh yeah, it got revoked when my first son was born and I cried like a baby back in April of 2011. It was reinstated in early 2013 just in time to be re-revoked when my second son was born that April. Anyway, what do non-handy men do when they don't know how to fix things? They call up a handy friend for help. I usually call my brother but Mike has come over a time or two to help me out.

It just so happens that Daphne and the boys are out of town for a few days. This time around I decided not to have a guys night but rather to take down the tree and all the Christmas decorations, complete a small honey-do list and relax in the peace and quiet instead. I also decided to try to do a little handy work by myself. Now, I never said I'm not a hard worker. I'm just not handy. I'll mow the lawn and do any type of basic house work with the best of them. I'm just not going to be able to figure out how to fix the dryer or the ceiling fan when something goes wrong. The ceiling fan? You mean the same ceiling fan in the living room that's been making an awful knocking sound every time I turn it on or off for the past year or so? That ceiling fan? The same ceiling fan that Daphne insists started making that knocking sound because it's been hit too many times by arrant horse shots or loose balls from man's game? (No pun intended.) Well, I had a little spare time so I decided to man up and climb up on the ladder and take that joker apart piece by piece if I had to, find the problem and fix it. And I did, in no time. MAN'S GAME!

I'll be honest, I was really proud of myself so I shot a text to my wife so she knew when she got home she could stop complaining about the knocking and stop worrying that the ceiling fan would fall on her head because Lord knows she'd trust that I fixed it properly. Hmm. That thought process right there gave me an idea of an innocent little joke really only intended to make myself laugh.

 "I'll just tell her that Mike fixed it" I thought. "It'll be funny. I know just how this conversation will go" I'll say, "Hey, guess who just fixed our knocking ceiling fan?"  She knows I'm home alone. At least I think she does. She'll assume I'm proud that I just did something pretty handy but she'll humor me and ask, "Who?" expecting me to say that I did it and brag on myself a little bit but I'll reply, "Mike" and she'll reply with something like, "Ha. Figures. Tell him thanks."  We'll both get a little chuckle and she'll be relieved because I think she convinced herself that it was going to be pretty hard to fix. So I sent the text. Here's how it went down:

ME: "Hey, guess who fixed our knocking ceiling fan?"

HER: Mike?

 Ouch! MAN'S GAME! Point for Mike. Just after this exchange I informed her through text that I fixed it myself but I didn't go into any details. I still haven't decided if I should let her know that when I climbed up on the ladder I happened to notice that all that was wrong was that a tiny screw had come slightly loose and when the fan blades were passing slowly they were ever so annoyingly brushing against the screw. It literally took one twist of a screw driver. Maybe I'll just leave that little detail out. Yeah, maybe. Point for me!

What does Fatherhood mean to You?

Perhaps more than anything else in life Parenthood really stimulates my brain. Fortunately for me, I have the kind of job that affords me the luxury of driving around alone in a truck all day, day dreaming behind a dashboard about my kids and my role as a father. If i didn't I'm sure I'd be looking for a new one. I've heard it said many times that men have a "nothing box" where we drift off to from time to time. It's true. We do. From our wives perspective we stay there for the majority of our life and only poke our heads out from time to time like a sleepy groundhog looking for his shadow, and that's only when they shake us hard enough or scream loud enough to get our attention. Even then, like the groundhog, we forget what we are looking for and we don't even check the weather. We just throw on some camo cargo shorts, a tee-shirt (that may or may not match) and possibly a lightweight jacket and we strike out on our merry way as we follow our nose and let the chips fall where they may. This is not exactly the best approach when we have children in tow but I'm here to tell you that this description is UNFAIR. Okay, partially unfair. Alright, completely accurate before we became fathers but now that we have kids... partially unfair. For crying out loud, we took the time to make sure we were wearing cargo shorts with extra pockets for snacks. That has to count for something. Can we compromise on this? After all, that IS what marriage is about, right? The truth is that most of us men live our life in a perpetual trial and error. There's nothing wrong with that as long as we learn from our trials... and errors. That's where things get interesting.

Needless to say, this is NOT how our female counterparts operate. Excuse me for generalizing. I know there are exceptions to the rule but if your wife is like my wife she's always on her toes. She's sharp. She's a great planner and motherhood seemed to come naturally to her. Dare I say... she's graceful in her own special way? I count my blessings every day but honestly it was intimidating at first how she had never been a mother but when we came home from the hospital and they informed us that a doctor was not staying at our house and we were now permanent full time baby sitters, she still somehow knew what to do. Turns out, she was just flying by the seat of her pants and doing a great job of disguising it. I was too but my disguise was much less convincing. As a father who has to go back to work, and especially for a father whose wife is a stay at home mom, it's easy to take a back seat and a less involved role in the home but its something altogether amazing to fight that tendency and dive in head first.

It's safe to say that fatherhood came somewhat naturally to me as well, but not in the same ways. I'm definitely not sharp or a good planner. I'm forgetful and scatter brained. I don't possess some of those "good parent" qualities. My wife would think something was wrong with me if I didn't walk all the way to the car before realizing I needed to get the keys from inside the house in order to crank it up. If i try to get on my toes anywhere outside of a football field or basketball court I'm sure to lose my balance, but when I do I'm very quick to adjust and make things work when they don't go as planned. I like to give myself credit for at least that much anyway. I say all this to say that at some point after becoming a parent you have to ask yourself exactly what fatherhood, or motherhood for that matter, means to you. Be honest with yourself. Ask the tough questions. Do not take the easy way out. Assess your strengths and weaknesses. Grow them. Compare them to your spouses strengths and weaknesses. Try to combine them to be the best team you can be. Do you want to actively parent your children every day and give your time to them instead of using it for yourself or do you want your child to be a cute little accessory that you don't let interrupt your already fabulously flowing life? Do you think it's enough to simply provide for your child and spend your time doing what you want to do because that's how your dad did it and you turned out okay? I understand how this might sound. I'm not pointing fingers. I'm not judging. Well, kind of I am, but I'm really trying to encourage. I struggle with the balance too and it's important not to lose the identity of who you were before you became a parent, but maybe your dad was wrong. Maybe my dad was wrong. Maybe we shouldn't decide how we think proper parenting should be done and stick to it but we should make a point to learn what works from a constant trial and error that we pursue daily.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've found it healthy and unbelievably rewarding to really challenge myself and get outside of my comfort zone and do things as a parent that I didn't particularly think I'd like to do. Crazy, right? Make bath time your responsibility. Sure, we'd all like to come home after a long day at work and prop our feet up and watch some mindless television show instead of bathing a 3 year old but try using it as an opportunity to talk to your child about his day. Close the shower curtain and let him splash and have fun. No one likes changing diapers but put your nose in there (not literally) and change every diaper you can when you come home from work and give your wife a break from it on the weekends. After a certain amount of time you'll find out that it's really not all that bad and its actually a good bonding experience between you and your child where you can develop inside jokes that make your child laugh and in turn, strengthen your relationship. Plus, you'll get major brownie points from your wife which will definitely... no, probably...  okay, I can't lie. Honestly, there is a very slim chance that these actions will strengthen your sex life but it's worth a shot and that's not the motivation behind this anyway so don't get discouraged. Keep an open mind and you can find little things like this outside of your everyday routine that provide the opportunity for you to invest more time into your children. It's amazing how many opportunities there are. You just have to look for them. It's also amazing how you'll feel when you come out on the other side after having taken one of these opportunities.

I'm no professional. I've only been on this parenting gig for just under 4 years. I didn't go to college for it or pass a test to get a parenting license but somehow I lucked into this dream job and somehow I came to the realization that the only thing that makes this job seem easy is hard work and overtime. Ironically these are the exact same things that make my career seem more difficult, but it's true. I make mistakes all the time and continue my trial and error but there is one thing I'm sure of. If someone asks me, "What does fatherhood mean to you?" I will reply, "Time and effort and love and gratitude and more time and more effort and more love and more gratitude." I will mean that and I will live it. I have no choice at this point. I used to think these boys locked my nothing box and lost the key in a toy box somewhere along with that old bluetooth that disappeared a few years back, but then I realized I was wrong. They found the key, unlocked the box and took up a permanent residence along with their toys and tears and smiles and laughter and poop. We're still working on getting the poop out of there. Like I said, it takes time...and trial... and error too, unfortunately. The important thing is that the effort is there.

Let's Blaze!

It's amazing to watch the brain of a child develop. The sense of pride you feel in the unique person that they begin developing into is simply indescribable. Before I had children I never could have Imagined the rabbit trails of development I'd follow my sons down.

Close to two months ago a new kids show came on television. BLAZE AND THE MONSTER MACHINES. Some of you who have young boys are probably familiar with it. If not, it's a pretty educational show and worth checking out. It teaches problem solving skills and teamwork from an automotive perspective. It teaches about friction and pistons and other things I know nothing about. Anyway, my boys had seen commercials leading up to it and my three year old, Cooper, really expressed interest (because what three year old boy doesn't like monster trucks?) so my wife made sure the boys got to watch it from day one. Appointment television I think they call it.

A day or two after they started watching the show I came home from work and Cooper informed me that my name was no longer Daddy. Actually, while I was at work the whole family had undergone name changes in his little brain. They are as follows:

Daddy = Blaze

Cooper = Pickle

Mommy = Starla

Fletcher = Stripes

     He named us after 4 of the Monster truck characters on the show. He did this all on his own. I Thought it was a pretty cute idea on his part but I didn't think much of it. By the end of the week when he was still calling me Blaze almost every time he called my name. (and the times he called me Daddy he made sure to "correct himself" and change it to Blaze) I started to wonder how long this would last. I also thought about how much I like hearing him call me Daddy and I wasn't sure I liked being Blaze. Then the weekend rolled around and I got a chance to watch the show with him. I've had the chance now, almost two months later, to watch all 8 episodes with him and he still calls me Blaze non stop, all day every day. What I learned from watching the show with him is that Pickle is a smaller monster truck who really looks up to Blaze and always talks about how great Blaze is. Blaze ends up saving the day every episode by solving whatever problem exists that day. Essentially, Blaze is Pickle's hero. I've never had any doubt about my sons love or admiration for me but this just really made it clear how much that boy looks up to his Daddy. I hope he always calls me Blaze. I'll wear that name proudly. The fact that he made the connection  between the relationship of Blaze and Pickle and that of him and his Daddy was very impressive to me, not to mention how heartwarming it was.

About two weeks ago he started calling my parents GrandBlaze and GrandStarla. Around Thanksgiving his Poppy was having trouble getting his old work truck started. Cooper and I were outside with him. Poppy tried to crank the old truck two or three times unsuccessfully. Cooper said, 

"Poppy, I think your truck is out of batteries."

 Poppy agreed. He hooked the battery up to a charger and tried to crank it again unsuccessfully. Cooper said,

"Poppy, maybe your truck is out of gas." 

Poppy cranked again. Cooper said,

"Poppy, I think your truck is missing a piston." 

As those words escaped the little guys mouth I couldn't help but crack up laughing. A big part of me was proud of my funny little guy but a larger part of me was just scared he was going to turn to Blaze and ask me to fix the problem. Sorry Pickle, when it comes to trucks I'm afraid this Blaze has a lot of learning to do. He's learned a lot from this show. I've learned a lot from him.
-Blaze

Recently we went to our first Monster truck show together with a few friends. Here are a few pictures:

National Anthem

Blaze and Pickle

Being silly

Poor Pickle Passed Out

Cooper & his buddies.