YOU CAN'T! YOU NEVER WILL!

I CAN'T! 

You CAN'T!

CAN'T. CAN'T. CAN'T!

There's NO way!

You'll NEVER make it!

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER!

Powerful words right? Especially to the fragile psyche of a child.

I don't know about you but when I was growing up it was always reiterated to me to keep that negativity out of my thoughts. Not just by my parents but by my teachers and coaches too. We don't say "CAN'T."

Don't use such negative words.

 Focus on the positive. 

You've probably heard the old saying, "Can't never did anything"  or "Never say Never." There are tons of similar ones. Well, from my experiences as a father, I happen to wholeheartedly disagree with those sayings.

I've seen CAN'T do a lot. It's power is impressive. It NEVER ceases to amaze me.

You're probably thinking that I am about to warn you about using these negative words with your children. However, that is not the case at all. I actually think words like CAN'T and NEVER get a bad rap. They can be some of the most motivating and encouraging words you could imagine. It really just depends on your perspective and who/where these words are coming from. Both of my boys have helped me learn this lesson over the past few years.

Don't get me wrong. None of us parents want our children moping around dwelling on the fact that he can't tie his shoes or she can't write her name or a million other things a child might be struggling with. I understand that. I'm not a complete idiot...close...but not complete. At the same time though, I don't think we should be teaching our children that words like can't and never are negative words. I think it's a good thing when a child recognizes that he/she can't do something and it's our job as parents to find a way to teach and motivate them.

I still remember the first time I heard my oldest son Cooper say "I can't." 

We were potty training. He was 2.

I instinctively replied, "We don't say I can't." 

I was frustrated. He was frustrated.

Potty training was one of our toughest challenges with him. I immediately wondered where he learned to say those words and why he was so easily ready to give up.

Then I said, "You CAN do it. I KNOW you CAN," in the most encouraging voice possible. I could tell that he could feel the positivity but it just didn't motivate him to try harder. This happened often. It was very discouraging for me as I'm sure it was for him. I remember thinking about how my wife and I are two of the most encouraging people I know. I wondered how could he possibly not find motivation in our encouraging words? We worked so hard to create the most encouraging atmosphere possible.

 If only I knew the power of can't and never at this point in my parenting adventure...

I made this discovery in the backyard one day a year or so later. It came from my complete and utter desperation to instill a love of sports in my children. We were playing baseball. Hitting from the tee. Cooper was losing interest. He started to notice every grasshopper and love bug in sight. I was losing him fast. The battle between father sports and  mother nature was about to be won by mother nature by KO with the help of her interesting little creatures.

That's when this Dad did some quick thinking. I started with a condescending laugh to get his attention. Then, when he looked over at me, I followed it up speaking the words, "You CAN'T hit a home run. There's NO way!" in the same condescending tone with a sneaky smile on my face. In my head I was thinking that those were the least encouraging words I had ever spoken to my son and I had no idea how he would react. Luckily for me, he saw it as a challenge just as I had hoped. At that moment, his face instantly lit up and he replied, "OH YES I CAN!" He stepped up to the tee and knocked one to the fence. I retrieved the ball and chased him to home plate just missing the tag before he got his home run. I dog piled on top of him and made a huge deal about how well he had done. Then I picked him up and we celebrated. He just giggled and beamed with pride. So did I. Cooper wins! Cooper wins!

Daddy wins actually! I never could have imagined how motivating the words "YOU CAN'T" could be for a child. I'm sure all children are not this way and I'm sure if I didn't have such a positive and always encouraging relationship with my children that these words would not have been interpreted in a positive challenging way, but I do... and they were.

To be honest, I don't think more motivating words have ever been spoken in our house. Turns out, my 2 year old, Fletcher, finds motivation in these words as well. Trying to get Fletcher to eat a whole meal of food at the dinner table is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. He would take a few bites, lose interest and start stuffing each bite into his cheek like a squirrel storing nuts. Take one guess at our most effective means of getting him to actually chew and swallow those stored nuts?

You guessed it.

Look at him with a shocked look on my face. Gasp aloud. Issue the challenge: "Fletcher! You can't chew up and swallow that bite! I say NO WAY!"

That gullible little joker bites every time. Both literally and figuratively. "I say YES way" he replies. Then he starts chewing his little heart out, which is frustrating. Why on earth does it take a challenge for you to chew up your food, son? Do you enjoy just sitting there holding food in your cheek wasting time at the dinner table? Really?

Are you kidding me? Oh well, I guess I can't complain.

It's safe to say that we use this technique quite often.

When the play room is a wreck: "Oh no boys, we're NEVER gonna get this place clean. I don't think we can do it!"

When hurrying to the bath: "If only you could take your clothes off and get in the bath by yourself before I count to twenty. You CAN'T can you? I don't think so."

When putting on lotion and pajamas or sunscreen: "You CAN'T freeze like a statue. Nope. No way. Not gonna happen. I don't think you can do it."

etc. etc. etc.

It may not work for your kids but it sure works for my little guys. I guess it all depends on their personality. Give it a shot if you'd like, you never know what might work. Remember, It's all in your delivery. I certainly had no idea these words would be so helpful. The next time you think about these words as negative words stop yourself and give them a little credit.

CAN'T. CAN'T. CAN'T.

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

A tremendous thank you. You're not so bad after all.

DD

Don't You EVER!!!

There are some things in life you should just never ever do. I guess you would call them general rules of thumb. You've probably had most of these lessons drilled into your head by your parents throughout the years but lets touch on a few examples just to be sure we've covered all of our bases: 

a.) Never say never.

b.) Never go to bed angry.

c.) NEVER dishonor your father or your mother! 

d.) NEVER hit a woman!!!

e.) Most Importantly... NEVER EVER get a dinosaur!!!!

Wait! What?

No one ever taught you this lesson? Well, you're just going to have to trust me on this one. Don't do it! I just wouldn't advise it. As tempting as it may sound to bring home a cute little baby Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus or perhaps even a "Pterrible-dactyl," as my three year old son calls them, don't give in to the urge. Of course they're cute when they're babies! Haven't you seen Jurassic Park? That place is a nightmare waiting to happen.

Remember? 

Maybe I should back up and start from the beginning before I really lose you. 

Do you remember any family traditions you had with your parents when you were a child? Perhaps an inside joke, a funny little saying or a bed time routine that you shared throughout your childhood?

 I remember one right off hand. It was called, "The Special Kiss." Actually, It consisted of five kisses and I don't recall when or why it started but every night at bed time I would give Mom and Dad a "special kiss." I would give them a kiss on the lips followed by a kiss on each cheek and then we would trade forehead kisses before I crawled into bed. I know it started when I was very young and if I recall correctly, it actually lasted all the way until high school when I finally decided I was too old and way too cool to be giving my parents a silly special kiss at bed time. I'm sure that was a sad day for them but I guess you have to let your baby grow up at some point. Let's just say I was 15 when the special kiss became extinct. If that's accurate then that means it has been approximately 19 years since I've given my parents a special kiss. I think I owe them one next time I see them. They've earned it. No doubt.

As a father, creating family traditions is something that is very important to me. When I first became a dad I decided it would be a good family bedtime tradition to tell my first born son Cooper, "Daddy loves you SOOOO much...and don't you EVER forget it," before he fell asleep. I would tell him every night. I would make sure he knew how much his daddy loved him and his mommy would make sure he knew how much she loved him too. We would always be sure to remind him not to forget it. We told him before he was old enough to even understand what it meant. We didn't care. We wanted him to learn what it meant and we wanted him to understand from a very young age that he was loved immensely. We continued to tell him as he grew; as he learned to crawl, walk and talk. Once he started talking I would say, "Daddy loves you SOOOO much...and don't you EVER..." and I would wait for him to fill in the blanks. At this point in his life he had heard this so much that he knew exactly what came next. He would always say, "forget it!" without fail. We had created a perfect little family tradition that would last for years and years to come... or so we thought.

Cooper had other plans though. At two years old he had a rather large vocabulary and an even larger imagination. He was full of imaginative stories and Ideas. Some of these ideas showed that he had a capacity to understand more than your average two year old while many of his other ideas made absolutely no sense at all. One night while going through our typical bedtime routine I told Cooper, "Daddy loves you so much... and don't you EVER..." Instead of his usual response, he replied, "GET A DINOSAUR!" I just laughed and said, "No silly, don't you ever forget it!"  I just assumed he was being silly and this would be a one time thing. I figured the next night we would be right back to our normal tradition, but I was wrong. 

Two nights later Cooper still found it necessary to assure me that he would never get a dinosaur. I thought about explaining extinction to him and informing him that he would never have the chance to get a dinosaur unless he somehow lucked into some type of paleontology internship with Dr. Alan Grant where they uncover dinosaur DNA taken from dinosaur blood that was preserved inside insects encased in amber and turn that DNA into genetically modified dinosaur embryo's to be grown and developed inside a high tech dino incubator... 

I just couldn't do it. I couldn't crush his little two year old dreams. Dinosaurs are as real to him as the millions of other things he's seen on television but not in real life. Instead, his mother and I just decided to go with it. Why not? If the little guy wanted to tell us that he'd never get a dinosaur every night at bedtime so be it. It was actually a very reassuring thought. What a responsible young man. It's hard enough to take care of a dog. I appreciate the fact that he's not going to over extend himself.

Almost two years later we still say it every night. "Daddy loves you so much and don't you ever..." ..."GET A DINOSAUR!" It's become so much more than it was before Cooper made his addition. Sometimes my wife and I will just text one another and simply say "Don't you ever get a dinosaur!" Translation: I love you so much. As parents we don't always choose our traditions. We might want to, but we really just need to be able to recognize them when they come along and embrace them.


Our 1 and a half year old, Fletcher, has caught on too. He's part of the routine every night now as well. He picked up on it before we even tried to teach him. His cute little roars just add to the fun family tradition. I wonder how long it will last? I wonder how old the boys will be when they finally ask us why on earth we say that to each other at bedtime and what on earth it means? I wonder what they will think of the explanation? I wonder if they boys will let, "don't you ever get a dinosaur" be our secret code to tell them that we love them whenever they are too old and way too cool to say, "I love you" in front of their friends? I sure hope so. Thankfully, that day is many years down the road though I'm sure it won't seem like it. I just hope this family tradition doesn't go the way of the special kiss... or the way of the dinosaur for that matter. Until next time, good night and don't you EVER...